What I Learned From Loving Someone In An Abusive Relationship
A while ago, I wrote about my friend's abusive boyfriend. Well, the situation has worsened and I found myself having a conversation with a nice lady at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or NCADV in my car before I had to go into Michael's. I had my breakdown at a craft store and decided to record how I was feeling at the moment. The following is honest and heartbreaking to relive. I share this story because I want others out there to know, you are not alone. Your amazing group of friends and a loving family cannot stop you from becoming a statistic. This can happen to anyone.
I love someone who is currently in an abusive relationship. It is such a dramatic statement but I don't know how else to put it. They cannot and do not want to get out of this abusive situation. It is so difficult but in this journey that has yet to have an ending, I have learned a few things. One of the things I learned is you cannot allow yourself to get so emotionally invested in their relationship that it becomes detrimental to your own mental health or well-being. You cannot allow your feelings to take over where you find yourself in situations where you can be physically hurt.
There are resources out there to help you navigate this situation safely, like the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. I called and spoke to someone openly. I explained all of the help and assistance we (all her friends and family) have offered only to be rejected. I learned through that conversation you can offer a victim the world, a solution to their problem, and it still will not guarantee they leave.
Most importantly, I learned no matter how much you love that person, you cannot make them love themselves enough to leave their situation. I love my friend more than anything. She is such a light in my life and I wish I had told her more often. I wish that person knew how loved she. Her friends and family are involved not because they are nosy or because they are not dealing with enough shit in their own lives but because they care and she is worthy of their concern. She is worthy of being loved, helped and supported. Here is the thing, abuse doesn't go from the honeymoon phase to the next day having bruises. It was a gradual change but we saw all the signs. It was like a car wreck being played in slow motion.
He started by showing dominance. He did this by telling her to shut up in front of anyone. He degraded her physically and mentally. He then moved in with her, quit his job and proceeded to live off of her hard work. She started avoiding us or leaving family/friend functions earlier and earlier. She was no longer this well put together professional. Instead, any time we saw her, she was without makeup (it was her passion so she was never without) and her hair was never done. The worst is whenever she hangs out without him. On those rare occasions, we see her with huge hickeys in the most visual places the next day. Large, dark hickeys cover her neck. He marks her as his. Her family is not welcome in her home, but his family and friends can visit in HER home. He is controlling, calling and texting constantly while she is out. She even takes pictures of us without our consent. She tries to do it sneakily to send to him in order to prove she is where and with who she said she would be.
It is painful loving someone in an abusive relationship. You worry about the victim and you harbor such hate for the abuser. I miss my friend, the one who held the whole world in her bright eyes. She had such big dreams. I don't know if there is a way to stop her from falling deeper into this hell. I cannot be her safety net so what do I do? There's nothing left to do. The lady I spoke to says a woman leaves her abuser between 7-10 times before she leaves for good. I do not see this happening for my friend. She is too broken. She says she loves her abuser. He is her everything. She needs him in her life. Tell me how is it a life when you have to take pictures of what you are doing and who you are with just so you won't get in a fight? Is it a life to be called a whore? A drunk? A bitch? Is it a life to have someone you love in your face screaming, yelling for you to "shut the fuck up"? Is it a life to be away from those who love you? Is it a life to have to work so fucking hard because this piece of shit won't get a job? If so, how much is that life worth? How little do you think your life is worth if you are willing to put up with that?
I love someone who is an abusive relationship and I've learned that I'm in it too.
