For Those Asking Where I've Been
“What is life? What is love?
What are lies? What is trust?
What is everything?
Everything is nothing without you”
I want to preface this post by saying, I am not writing these feelings out for attention or sympathy. I am writing because too often we are afraid to speak up and acknowledge we are not okay. The message I am about to share is not to be "brave" or courageous. It is for people out there who are struggling but need to hear this message from someone who has been through it. So here it is.
I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t been out in a while. People who actually follow my blog have emailed me asking why. Up to this point, I have said it is because I am busy or working on other projects, which have inklings of truth. The reality is less glamorous than a busy schedule. I haven’t been okay. I’ve been overworking, overextending myself, and completely overwhelmed.
I was drowning in my own tears unable to get myself out the dark hole I had dug for myself. Most of the time I didn’t see life getting any better; moments of joy seem so far and few in between, and because I had this overwhelming fear, which gnarled and gnawed, almost eating me alive that no matter what I did, I would never be enough.
I am not the only one to have gone through it. I’ve spoken to others, incredibly talented, successful, kind people, who whisper their difficult times as if they should be ashamed. I still don’t understand how the mind works. The same people wired to constantly self-loathe are the same ones who can’t stop loving and wanting the best for people. Some blame social media, today’s world, and dating apps. While it is hard to see generic, insincere photos and captions from bloggers with thousands of followers, I also understand the creative process differs for everyone. No one is asking I pull pieces of myself, inscribe each of my blogs posts with my aching bone, but it feels like I do. Depression, anxiety, mental illness doesn’t look the same on everyone. On me, it was tightly wound numbness masquerading in everyday life.
I’m so fortunate to have a strong family and a small group of friends who love and support me. They’ve convinced me the journey to happiness and inner peace is worth it. I have friends who know when I start to cancel on them, it is time to check in on me. I have family members I can call to help me talk (or cry) through things. The rest of it is on me. It is work. It is having to look at yourself for all that you are and not what you lack. It is taking charge of your health and being held accountable.
Weeks before writing this, I found myself having a conversation with someone I love and I asked aloud, “what do I have to write about in this dark and negative space? I have nothing to say to anyone.” They told me, “say that life is shit sometimes. You’re in this negative head space and it happens. Life happens. That’s an important message to share. So yes, you have a lot to say.”
Because of them, this post came to be and I am sharing it with those who need it as well as those who are championing someone going through a dark time. It is hard to see the beauty in things when life is clouded in darkness. The world can seem unrecognizable and we appreciate those who help us see once more. Everything is blurred and out of focus so thank you. Our everything would be nothing without you.
So this is to my loved one, short and sweet. I hope you liked what I wrote.
For those who are reading, who need to hear this message, if you’re going through something difficult, keep going. Like they say, fall in love with the journey, every step of it.
