Update on Sam
A while ago I got an email asking me about Sam. If you have no clue who that is, read this post first. Was there an update? What happened? How did it end? The reader wanted to know because they were in a similar situation. I think sometimes it is hard for me to open up about certain topics because mistakes are made. We're humans but I hate for people to see that side of me. In this situation, however, I feel like I gave it my best shot, I tried and I am walking away from it without any regrets. It feels a little strange talking about these sorts of things. I am opening myself up to different opinions from everywhere and to different cultures, so some might say I I tried a little too hard, others might say I didn't wait long enough. Here is the story, Sam and I did eventually end up speaking.
A tragedy had happened in the city where he lives. I sent him an email which simply read, "Are you ok? Is your family ok?" To my surprise, he responded. This interaction wasn't anything noteworthy but it did fill me with joy, enough to keep me trying. Men like Sam thrive off of stringing people along. We communicated but infrequently. To my understanding, he was ending his relationship and was finding it emotionally overwhelming. I could understand. After all, I had once felt the same about our situation. He would talk about himself, his stress, his sorrow over this relationship. Was I being a friend or an emotional masochist? The latter, perhaps. I would never get the first text. Instead, I would find myself checking in on him. "How are you?" "How are you feeling?" He would respond a few times before leaving me on Read. I had been down this rabbit hole before. Was I willing to do it again? Sam was one of my oldest friends. I couldn't let go that easily. I played the game; walking the fine line between sexy and interested and casual friend. I was in deep.
One drunken night, he texted me. He was out at a party with friends, other girls. Yet, he chose to text me. I read each word. Carefully dissecting and analyzing each sentence. What did it mean? He sent me videos. The same ones he posted on Instagram. What the fuck does that mean? I screenshot our conversation and sent to my "Besties" group chat for further analysis. The results were inconclusive. By 11:00 PM, we had tired of the flirty texts and he finally sent me the one I had been hoping for. He wanted me to go visit him. "Come, we'll go out and make out." It's inevitable, right?
I couldn't believe the what I was reading. Yes, of course, I would go visit. Of course, I would expose my heart to him once more for him to potentially break it. After all, he's had it all along. The next day, silence. A casual text came in about midday and that was it. As easily as he had come back into my life, he had left. I sent a text to which he never responded. I would get messages from my best friends. "Did you see Sam?" "He posted a new picture." The final act to unravel our friendship was when he went to visit his grandfather in Naples. Naples, the same city I live in. Yet, he never answered that stupid text. He did not call me like he said he would and never called to check in on me.
My sister told me when it comes to guys and their words, I should write all the sweet things they say on a piece of paper, fold it, put it in my pant pocket, wash the pants, and forget it. Everything they ever said will be washed away. She's right. It doesn't matter what people say. So, dear reader, what I am trying to explain is that the person will let their actions speak for themselves. If they care, they will show you. If you matter, they will prove it. If they want you, they will move the heavens for you.
Sam's silence is enough for me to see whatever this was, whatever this could have been at one point, has been washed away. I cannot keep punishing myself for letting him go in the first place. I followed my sister's advice. The washer was a mess by the end of it, but it was therapeutic. I am no longer holding onto his sweet words and empty promises. I deserve more because I would have given more. I loved him deeply without ever disturbing his life. I naively thought "what's meant to be, will be". What's meant to be, will be but because both people make the effort for it to be. My advice for your Sam is to walk away because if you care enough to write to me, you deserve someone who is as willing to lay it all out in the open for you without fear or hesitation. Your Sam most likely doesn't deserve you just like mine doesn't deserve me.
Love,
Ximena
