My Biggest Regret In Life
When I was younger, I had no idea how to appreciate life; I still kind of don't. I never appreciated what I had or enjoyed the stage of life I was in. All I could focus on was getting to the next stage to see if it would be better. I guess this mentality is what contributed to one of my biggest regrets. Mind you, many years have passed by. This is the best of my recollection and told from my perspective.
Let me take you back to back to when it began. I had just moved from Chicago to Naples. I hadn't been there long and had to start school with kids who had gone to school together since Pre-K; so needless to say, it was not the easiest to make friends. *Sam, however, was friendly, kind, and so freakin' cute. I spent all year calling him by a code name so no one would figure out who I was referring to. I ended the fifth grade and never professed my love. I thought I had forever, I mean, we were going to same middle school!
Sixth grade starts and we are sat next to each other in our science class. I thought, "this is my chance" and proceeded to make my move. I offered him an orange Tic Tac and he accepted. In my mind, we were one step closer to marriage. I had him. Not long after, he moved. It wasn't until many years later that Sam would find me on social media.
Once he had found me, our friendship picked up right where we had left off. It was easy talking to him. Still, I was too scared to make a move. Years went by and we would visit each other (we lived about two hours away). Sam got me through many dark, difficult times in my life and I would like to think I did the same for him. I was getting ready to move back to Chicago for a fresh start after a terrible year in Naples. Right before, he accompanied me to a family member's event (can't say which one because I am almost 100% sure someone will be able to figure it out) and gave me two of the most thoughtful gifts. He had me. Fast forward and I moved to Chicago. After letters and flowers and countless texts, he asked me to come back. I couldn't. I had gotten my feelings involved with my ex and just like that, I let Sam go.
About a year after, I moved back to Naples and reached out. Sam was blunt and short: he did not want me to contact him anymore. I was 21 and completely heartbroken to have lost Sam. Whenever anyone would ask me about him or what my biggest regret was, I would bring this up. However, I respected his wishes and did not contact him until a few years later. I sent him an email and he responded. We spoke and it was just like old times with the exception that I was ending a relationship and he was still in one. We had even planned to meet up like we used to when we were younger. This never came to be. Despite Sam telling me he was not emotionally involved in his relationship and that it was basically over for him, he told me, "don't be surprised if I go ghost on you when my girlfriend comes back." Let me tell you, I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I was a better friend to him than to be treated like a potential side chick to be left on the back burner but also, my friend Sam would have never done this to me. I realized this: Sam and I weren't meant to be. He is not the person I loved and I was too stupid to go back to the one good guy who meant something to me when I should have. I have spent so much time chasing the feelings I felt with Sam but no luck. Part of me is okay with that. I don't think I could the handle pain of losing someone like Sam. I loved him deeply and recklessly. I never told him how I felt. How could I? I would sound crazy, I mean, we never even kissed.
* Name has been changed
